The One Where Mama Goes Back To Work

 Hi-ya friends. It's been a minute since I've written on my little blog (or more like 4 years!). In some ways life has changed a lot and in others it's just as it was. To be honest the last 4-ish years have been the most challenging of my life. Hard to believe that *any* year can be more challenging then when I had 3 babies in 18 months.... but here we are. 

4 years ago, I was told that I was not loved. It was devastating to hear. To realize that you are deemed unlovable by someone who promised to love you for always was heartbreaking.  I did some therapy...... both the expenses kind and the crying-on-the-bathroom-floor kind. I went through many fazes of grief and back again.  I've grown and I've tried to change the things I saw in myself that were not good. For a long time I believed I was unlovable and that I am completely on my own. (Hello Taylor https://youtu.be/7Gbg6Z70J7E?si=ZtV2fmdstL0UZj54 ).  Those hurtful words that were spoken and I cannot seem to unhear will pop up at the most random times reminding me that I'm not worthy of love or friendship, that I'm weak and worthless.  I'll wallow for a bit and let them win a battle here and there, but then I try and remind myself that they cannot win the war; That truth is hard fought in a broken heart, but it's worth fighting for and it's worth believing.  Plus, with 5 kids going a million miles an hour in many different directions, there isn't much time for wallowing.  

So, here's what's new on my little plot of ground. I got a job. After being a stay-at-home mom for 13 years, I went back to work as a registered nurse. I never thought I'd get to use my degree again and I NEVER thought I'd work in an ICU! I loved working in the ER after graduating from nursing school.  I thrived in the fast pace and the constant crazy that swirled around for 12 hours (sometimes 16 if they could talk me into staying longer). In the ER you're always moving and always recalculating.... what's most important now, because what was most important 5 minutes ago may not be now.... I liked that you got a patient, treated them and then moved along. They either went home or to a higher level of care. You don't have to be concerned with the details of each thing, just whether or not they are now stable, and you've done what you could to fixed what you could. And then...next! Even after leaving the ER and working in the PACU for a while I always considered myself and ER nurse. 

So when I applied for a job at the hospital that I now work at, my boss said, "have you considered working in the ICU?" and I was like "No thanks!" Theres this long-standing joke in the nursing world that ER nurses and ICU nurses don't get along, but to be honest ICU nurses are, in my mind, the best of the best, and I defiantly do not fit that category.  I originally declined her offer of working in the ICU.  Thankfully, being the most amazing boss that she is, she convinced me to give the ICU a try (she has thanked me in the past for giving them a shot, but in my view, she took a chance on me. I am forever grateful that she hired me and has believed in me). Being in the ICU has been the best thing for me mentally. Its provided me with confidence and growth and some financial freedom. I get to use my brain and think about things that have been dormant for so long..... or that I never even had to think about as an ER nurse. I find myself slowly getting the hang of this floor nursing gig...I'll have a bad day here and there that makes me question my life choice, but for the most part, I'm doing ok. I like that an ICU nurse has to ask questions and probe for info and question all.the.things... why lab values are trending the way they are or why a heart rhythm might have changed over the last several days. 

As a nurse in the ICU you are the higher level of care. This became apparent to me one shift while still on orientation.  My preceptor was running down to the cafeteria to grab lunch, and I was still on the floor. While she was away our patient lost all IV access.  They kinda need IV access in the ICU and so I thought, "no problem, I'll just start another." Well, I could not find a vein to save my life, so my next thought was "that's ok. The floor can get it." But then I realized I AM THE FLOOR NOW.  Haha. I am enjoying this new way of thinking and processing information.  Here's me after my first day on my own off orientation! I remember feeling so proud of myself.  It's been a long time since I've had that proud of myself feeling. I've felt defeated for so long, that being proud of doing something new and something hard was such a good feeling! 

I'm still a mess, just as much as I was when I started this little diary of a blog so long ago. I'm looking forward to adding more stories here, now that I am feeling more like myself again. They will change a bit, I am sure. I am tragically (but also joyously) different then I was before I was told I was not loved and before I believed I was unlovable.  Hopefully you can laugh along with me as I make mistakes and try to find joy while silencing the negative. I love this little life, no matter how messy it gets at times. I love my kids, they are growing into amazing humans, I love our little plot of land where we keep our animals and where I try to grow flowers and plants. And I love Jesus and thankful that every day he goes to bat for me, especially on the days I feel too weak to fight for myself. I've learned to lean into my faith even when it seems I have very little left. God is good all the time even when our circumstances may not feel good. 

-LeighAnne